I had so much hope for my life. If you asked me when I was 12 if I was going to live a magical life, I would have said yes. I had hopes and dreams that didn’t quite go as planned. I had no desire to have any children; however, the Good Lord had other plans. I am grateful that He did because left up to me there would have been none. Now, this is not to say that I don’t love the mess out of my children, I do; however, I was not thinking of having any children when I was 12. I know I am not the only person in the world to have these thoughts.
I did what a lot of stupid teenagers do and married the first man that asked me. I realize now I had no value for myself and gave away my value to a man who had no idea what that meant and how serious that was. I got married, settled down (but my husband didn’t) and had a couple of kids. Then I went back to school so I could get a decent job because I had dropped out of college. Get the picture. Stupid is as stupid does.
After what seemed like an eternity, which was 20 years; I was finally ready to let my husband go who seemed to treat me with more disrespect as the years went on. I prayed for a year that he finds someone else and leaves. And to everyone’s surprise, that is what he did. I was not surprised because I had faith and I had prayed.
Now I wasn’t truly prepared for the fall out of such actions like he really did not care if his children ate or anything, so no child support and no communication. I knew there had to be a turning point in my life because surely this can’t be all there is to my life. I knew I wasn’t put on this earth to raise children, mine as well as other people’s and then die.
As my children grew up, I began to contemplate my next chapter. I was turning 40 and I knew that every decade is a turning point in life. I started to heal and recover from all the traumas of being married to a man who was unfaithful and didn’t know how to love. I forgave him as well as myself and for the first time in decades, I felt free. I had no hatred toward him, I send him only love because he needs it. I never understood how women could hate their baby daddy. Regardless of what they are or not, they are still connected to you through your children.
Life seemed so mundane for me, so I began to contemplate making big changes. I had been praying and asking for my next move as my children were grown and on their own, it was me. In a bad relationship that I knew was not appropriate for me, trying to figure out how to undo the mess of my life, I heard a voice that I knew to be spirit say to me, “It’s time for you to leave this place.”
I shared it with a few of my friends and a few of them immediately said, “That’s not God.” It hurt my feelings because I already knew that meant a severing for me with those people who I thought had my back.
I started searching for where I would go. I thought I would get a travel contract as a nurse, so I set out to find one. I felt like I found one to go to Omaha, Nebraska. Now, mind you this is a place I had never been which is exciting for me. The thing I didn’t count on was that it was in negative degree temps at this time of the year. I had never experienced negative temperatures and decided I wasn’t going to in my 40s.
I was wanting to give up my full-time job that I had for about 6 years and go as needed because I wasn’t sure when I would have to leave for the contract. They took me off the schedule and out of the system and no one would call me back when I inquired to see when I could work. Consequently, I had no job and I was planning to leave in another month. I couldn’t find a job anywhere. All doors were shut there. I shouldn’t have been surprised because I prayed that God shut doors that needed to be shut and open doors that needed to be open. So there’s that.
I had a chance conversation with a cousin I was close to as a child but hadn’t spoken to in a few years. She invited me to come out to Arizona and she would allow me to stay with her while I rewrote my story.
So, I packed up my stuff, put some in storage and the rest packed in my car. I invited my children to my house to share that I was leaving and offer them whatever they wanted of my furniture. I told the boyfriend I needed to drop kick that I was going to Nebraska. In truth, I was scared of him because I sensed he could have a violent streak although he had never been violent with me.
I took off for Arizona in my car with little money and faith. I had enough to get there and be alright for a few weeks while I looked for a job. I didn’t realize what an undertaking it was to leave all you know and go somewhere where you know 1 person with no job or money.
I arrived there with little money, fewer friends and immediately got a miserable job with an agency that barely found me enough work to pay my bills. I was a little devastated after being here for a month and not being able to find a job and the city is huge. I had never experienced this in my life as a nurse. There were always jobs. I wasn’t being picky at this point. I just needed someone, anyone to pay me.
I found a job with another miserable company working for miserable people who tried as hard as they could to make me miserable as well. It’s difficult for me to be miserable, so as you can imagine, I was fired for not “fitting in with the culture”. Which was the code word for “I’m not kissing nobody’s ass.”
At this point, I wondered if I made a mistake moving out here. Then I thought about the children of Israel in the bible who desperately wanted to get out of Egypt however weren’t prepared for the thought that there was some work involved. This set my mind at ease because at least I could identify with people who made it over.
I eventually met the man who would become my husband. I wasn’t even looking. I had long since written a list of what I wanted in a man and gave it to God and forgot about it. God had obviously not forgotten, for which I am so grateful.
This man came into my life and showed me how a man is supposed to love and care for me. He was patient with me and loved me through the triggers that would sometimes happen even after therapy.
It made me know that faith had brought me and carried me as my life began to take a shape that I had no idea it was going to. I began for the first time in my life to feel secure in my relationships and began to learn how to step into my spiritual gifts that had lied dormant for so much of my life.
