The other day I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post that read as follows, “When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. This misinformation will feel unfair but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.”
I was surprised by the large number of people who felt as if they were experiencing this same controlling behavior from someone in their own life. After reading all the heart-rendering comments I began to realize how truly toxic gossip can be, and for this reason I am compelled to write this article.
My intention is two fold…
1) To become more conscious of how we all communicate with one another.
2) To use the power of contrast to build momentum towards a shift that leads to a more unified and compassionate society.
Although this article centers around gossip in general, I must briefly mention that certain individuals with an obsessive compulsion to control others will resort to going outside the scope of gossip and use whatever means necessary to accomplish their goal. In mild instances this could amount to nothing more than throwing a tantrum. However, in more severe instances some unsettled individuals are capable of much worse, such as rage, slander and even violence.
That being said, we will stay focused on the topic at hand. My research has revealed that gossip, accepted as it may be as a means of conversation, is indeed a contaminate in the dynamic of peaceful and intelligent communication.
Here is an example, person A and person B are in a relationship. During the relationship person A attempts to control person B. Naturally, this causes tension between person A and person B. As a result, person B decides to disengage with person A. Person A, no longer able to control person B, becomes so upset that they go to person C and gossip about person B in a desperate attempt to discredit person B and thus, regain control of the situation.
Obviously, there must be at least three individuals to form the dynamic of gossip. There is the gossiper, person A, the one being gossiped about, person B, and of course the listener of gossip, person C. As I explained above, the gossiper does not choose the path that leads to taking responsibility for their own actions. Instead, they choose the path of manipulating others into seeing them as a victim of circumstance.
On the other end of the spectrum we have the listener of gossip, person C. Person C not only provides the vessel which is necessary for gossip to breed and spread, but they give their power away by allowing the toxins of gossip to contaminate and corrupt their own perspective.
It takes strength to have your own conviction of mind; many have it, but unfortunately most do not. Just look around at how many people give their power away and allow others to implant their negative perspective into them. If you think that you may be one of the many who gossip or listen to gossip, then don’t be too hard on yourself, we’ve all done it at some point in our lives. It’s almost impossible not to. It has become so common that we unknowingly accept it as a natural way of communicating. However, make no mistake, gossip is not only unnatural; it is extremely toxic.
It is no wonder why there is so much animosity between people in the world today. We see gossip in almost every type of relationship in one form or another. We may have an argument with a friend or lover and decide the relationship is over. It rarely ends without someone trying to persuade others to see their point of view as correct and their mate’s as incorrect. We do this for two reasons, the first is laziness. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to take responsibility for ourselves and it’s much easier to just point the finger and play victim. The second reason is fear. Fear of our insecurities being exposed. To cover them up we defend our ego’s false sense of superiority and try to gain control of the situation by making ourselves look good and the other person look bad.
This cowardice act is disguised as righteous behavior, and yet the most disturbing part is that we accept it as an ordinary response in today’s society. Some of us, if not most of us, initially learned this behavior in early childhood. We have seen it all of our lives amongst school mates, friends, ex lovers, co workers, employers, and certainly politicians.
It’s astonishing that even our “so called” leaders operate this way. They actually have a saying for their ill advised behavior, they call it “smear tactic.” Trying desperately to win your vote they spend more time telling you what their opponent is going to do wrong than telling you what they, themselves, are going to do right.
They do this, unfortunately, because it works and it works because of the power of deception. First, they deceive you by getting you to focus on the “so called” flaws of their opponent, so you don’t focus on their own issues. Second, they deceive you by taking away your power to discern and essentially insult your intelligence by telling you what to think. After all, what is somebody saying when they try to persuade you to think and feel a certain way about someone? They’re saying, “You’re not smart enough to make up your own mind.”
Sadly enough, sometimes we even see this controlling behavior within families. All too often we hear of divorce leading a parent to persuade their child to dislike the other parent. It can also be experienced amongst siblings. Sometimes an emotionally agitated sibling uses gossip in an attempt to persuade an elderly parent to view the other siblings in a negative light. Generally speaking, the closer the physical proximity the controlling individual has to the one they wish to manipulate, the more negativity they can spin. For example, a sibling that is supposed to be caring for an elderly parent has a greater chance to manipulate due to the fact that they spend more time together.
The good news is that this behavior is being exposed for what it is, primitive. It is my strong belief that in the not so distant future people will look back upon our current use of gossip, with its contaminating influence, and view it as a primitive form of communication. As we continue to evolve as a species we will create new paradigms in which to communicate, making gossip seem dysfunctional and outdated.
In order to have outer change however, we must first have inner change, and it begins with compassion. The first step towards building momentum in this shift is to give compassion and understanding to these troubled souls who desperately fight to control you. Think of them as a drowning person who is simply flailing and lashing out in the hope of not sinking, because that is exactly what they believe is happening to them. Their ego is struggling for survival.
Once compassion is given, we can begin the process of dismantling this controlling behavior, and in its place erect a more unified dynamic. I can not stress this point enough; we must be compassionate and loving towards these individuals. For them to feel it necessary to gossip, manipulate and slander in order to gain control, they must be in severe distress. Attacking their methods serves no true purpose; the only solution is compassion and awareness. Awareness of the insecurities of a gossiper gently exposes their misguided motives and ironically shines a positive light on the one they attempted to discredit.
Consider yourself blessed if you are one of the few individuals who is aware that the real problem stems from within the one who attempts to persuade you to dislike someone, more than it is about the one they are persuading you to dislike.
The next time someone is trying to influence you by means of gossip, look them in the eye and using your own innate guidance system quietly ask yourself, “Why are they doing this?” You may find the answer reveals much more about the gossiper than it does the one being gossiped about.
As I conclude this article I only ask that we all, myself included, begin to rise above gossip and focus on our own energy. In doing so we will vibrationally align our individual desires and ideas with Source energy, and will therefore have no need to control others.
I will leave you with one of my favorite sayings. It will aide you in evolving out of the dismal depths of gossip and into a more empowering, inspiring use of your dialogue.
The saying is as follows, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”
I have an idea…be great and gossip no more!
~ Daniel Pape
