Dear You, Who Struggle with Chronic Illness,
You were with me last night.
Around 11:30 p.m. the red patches of skin on the back of my knees plead to be itched, and I finally gave in. But scratching was a temporary relief. Within minutes, the scratched areas became an open wound. The chronic eczema I suffer from is cyclical, surfacing every few months. Right now I am fully covered, from my face to my feet. But it’s the very worst behind my knees, and I’ve never seen it form into open wounds.
You were with me last night when I was so uncomfortable that I began to cry. But crying was also a temporary relief. My heaving sobs triggered chronic sinusitis. As my tears poured into the pillow, I was quickly forced to stop. If I kept crying, I would be so stuffed up and start to wheeze so uncontrollably that I wouldn’t be able to breathe. I had to calm down.
You were with me when my loving partner came in closer to comfort me. It was too painful to my skin to be touched, and my lungs felt too constricted to be held. Even though I wanted comfort from him, I had to ask him not to touch me. I leaned into all of you for comfort.
You were with me at 12:30 a.m. when I moved my pillow vertically on the wall to sit up in bed. The skin behind my knees was wet with pus. And I regretted crying. It had now been over an hour of wheezing and coughing and blowing my nose.
You were with me when I entered the dangerous trap of doubting. Was anything I was doing to heal myself working at all? For the last six months, I was following Anthony William’s Medical Medium protocol. Lemon water, wait 20 minutes, then celery juice, wait 20 minutes, then a heavy metal detox smoothie. Anthony assured his chronically ill audience that in order for us to get to the root of our condition, we could expect our symptoms could get much worse before we can get better. There were no shortcuts, but deep healing was happening. By nourishing my body with my morning routine, plus the absence from my diet of every inflammatory food known to mankind, I was starving off the “bugs” (toxic pathogens) in my body. In essence, I had stopped giving the bugs any food, and they were throwing a huge tantrum tonight. Anthony said that if someone feels sicker during this health protocol, it’s a sign that they’ve been viral for a very long time.
As I thought about my childhood asthma and embarrassing eczema I had in second grade, I knew that was true for me. As the bugs who have been living the good life in my body finally die off, they release neurotoxins and dermatoxins that make it seem like my symptoms are getting worse, not better. But underneath it all, Anthony tells me I’m making incredible progress. I had read that section of his book so many times I almost had page 446 memorized. Last night I clung to that page like a rope. It had already been six months of resisting my partner’s warm homemade bread because gluten would feed the bugs. Six months of going to birthday parties without eating cake. The boardwalk stroll on our last summer beach trip didn’t include ice cream. Dairy feeds the bugs. A recent BBQ party required me to inform my host that I’d be grilling my own homemade veggie burgers. What’s wrong with the store-bought veggie burgers I bought for you, she asked. I shared that when the ingredients say “natural flavors”, it’s just a sneaky way of saying Monosodium Glutamate (MSG), which is a favorite treat of those buggers.
As a result of all my lifestyle changes, I had learned to cook like a boss. Pizza with a crispy potato crust. Lemon cheesecake with cashew cream. Blackberry pie sweetened with pure maple syrup. Warm, crisp potato waffles. Homemade veggie burgers, homemade ice cream, homemade sweet potato fries, homemade salad dressings…the three-page list of dishes I could make now was pure culinary exhilaration. My household for the last six months enjoyed a delicious rainbow of new tastes and delectable new food adventures.
But at 1:30 a.m. as I continued to wheeze, I couldn’t stop myself from sinking into more doubt. Would I ever be healthy again? Wide awake, I pulled out my laptop to watch a movie and get my mind off the task of breathing. I searched for something with no trace of relating to my current reality. Disney’s The Mighty Ducks did the trick. I got my mind off of my skin and constricted lungs, and I started to breathe normally again.
And then you were with me at 2:30 a.m. when I felt my determination return. Keep going, Emily. Keep believing. Keep downing the celery juice. Keep starving out the bugs. Keep fueling my body with organic fruits and vegetables. I had committed to give the full Medical Medium health journey a real chance for a year and a half. It had only been six months. I was inspired to read countless people’s testimonials who had healed their chronic illness this way. It was too soon for my testimonial, but I still had a long way to go before I was going to give up.
Around 3 a.m. I finally fell asleep with a fresh perspective… Everything is going to be ok. It was just a very bad night.
Like many of you who struggle with chronic illness, I appear healthy, especially if I wear long-sleeve shirts and long pants. But there is a real war going on in our bodies. We are all doing our best, and we are nothing as humans if we don’t offer compassion to one another in the midst of suffering.
So I have no agenda with this letter, other than to thank you for being with me last night. Your compassion and understanding of my suffering offered me companionship when I really needed it most. If you find yourself struggling tonight at 2:00 a.m., I wrote this vulnerable letter for you to read and feel the same compassionate companionship from me.
With my sincere love and care,
Emily Potter
NOTE: I deeply appreciate the care of any reader who feels like they want to reach out to share health advice, share a product, or offer a resource that worked for them. I am open to it all, with a boundary. If you truly feel inspired to share, I am inviting you to wait and contact me in July 2022. July 2022 is when my year and a half commitment is complete, and I will reassess everything then. Until then, however, thank you for respecting that I am staying focused and giving the Medical Medium lifestyle my full commitment so my body and I can give this a fair chance. You can understand that jumping around from health protocol to health protocol can be counter-productive when attempting to heal deep chronic illness. Thank you so much for your kind respect.
