Working through abandonment is my latest “a-ha” moment that started in January 2021. I had a flood of emotions and as the awareness of one life experience supported this abandonment, another popped in my head, this did occur again and again off and on for the next few weeks.
The last experience went back to when my mom and dad divorced. It was at that moment I experienced feelings of abandonment. It began with my mom, sister, and I leaving California and my feelings of us abandoning my dad as we moved to Arizona. However, over the next few years, that abandonment turned from us abandoning him, to him abandoning me and my sister. However, we did see him off and on, but with him living a state away, it wasn’t always easy. We definitely saw him for a few months in the summer and for Christmas, but really being a daddy’s girl up until then, I can tell you that was not enough.
It seemed so obvious as I was replaying these memories in January. How could I not see it before? Of course, I know the answer to this, as it is because I wasn’t ready to see it until now. It is strange how time can change your awareness if you are willing to allow the growth to occur.
I feel that there are so many people who are burying the feelings of abandonment because of a parent being absent. This may mean physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually. How can anyone with a situation similar to mine, not feel abandoned?
If you had asked me 40 years ago or even two years ago whether I was affected by my dad’s absence in my life, specifically abandoned by him. I would have said without a doubt absolutely not. Throughout my adult life, I would occasionally see him, that is when we would take a family trip to Disneyland, since he lived 20 minutes away from Anaheim. I talked to him regularly on the phone. I would send him pictures of the kids (his grandkids) and eventually my grandkids (his great-grandkids), but he didn’t seem too interested. When he had hydrocephalus, I immediately went to his side, as the doctor’s weren’t quite sure of his prognosis. He fully recovered and I continued to initiate calls, included him in my life, and took the time to visit him, but this is the relationship we had. There were only three times that he came to Arizona to visit in my adult years, the first was in 1991 for Christmas, the second was in 1993 at my sister’s funeral, and the last time was after Thanksgiving in 2016.
Because I became aware of how the relationship with him appeared one-sided, I realized why I tried so hard to maintain this relationship…I wanted his approval so he would want to be part of my life in addition to my children and grandchildren’s life. Again, it was so obvious looking back, but at the time, I didn’t even see it.
The thought of that past experience as a child not only affected my relationship with my dad as an adult, but, in hindsight, affected my male relationships. The two significant male relationships in my life both ended in divorce. I know that I create my reality and I take full responsibility for my part. These relationships were here for me to work through the lesson of abandonment along with the fear of being abandoned by them.
My dad passed away in February 2021 (as far as I know he died from lung cancer). My last lesson of abandonment ended with him. I was written out of his life, completely. After finding out about his death, the lesson came full circle and I found that I valued the growth I have made that started 42 years ago when we left California, and my dad.
I love my dad and I know with all my heart that he did the best he could at that time and I thank him for the lessons he taught me. I have come to terms with his choices in regards to me and my sister, and I choose to respect them and trust that he had his reasons. As a result, my soul grew exponentially and for that I am appreciative.
